Will we ever know the WHY?

My words are failing me. Little children and teachers, each one of them someone's baby, someone's wife, someone's daughter, someone's love, unrepentantly gunned down one week before Christmas. Innocents-and innocence- lost to such violence and fear. Is there ever a better time for something like this to happen? Of course not. But my heart, as I'm sure yours does also, begs for explanation, begs for someone to tell me how and why anyone could do this so close to a time when family and friends are SUPPOSED to gather in love and peace.

I first saw this on the news via Google this afternoon and sat at my desk, speechless. Several patrons came in soon after and asked if had we heard. When word got around the library, several of us at work cried in sympathy for the families and with the terror that this could happen to our own babies. Newtown, CT may be very far from us, but every parent everywhere will automatically put themselves in those parents' shoes. Our town is small, and perhaps once upon a time that meant safe as well, but we all know that's a myth nowadays.

My own two children attend a wonderful small school that teaches and reinforces love and peace and acceptance. My brain told me they were safe there, but my heart told me I needed to go to them. Still, I refrained from running to the school and grabbing them in my arms. I didn't know that while I was waffling with what I should do, they were practicing what they should do should a gunman enter their school. Should kids have to practice this? Shouldn't kids know that they are safe at school? My kids, and all the kids they know, are loved and wanted. Did the gunman have any of that love in his life? Would it have made any difference?

My sweet daughter is merely a few months older than most of the child victims. She is looking forward to Santa and Christmas and getting together with all of her cousins. She's looking forward to school break and decorating the house, things I imagine all of those little ones were also waiting for, and I'm utterly heartbroken for their families. Even those who were not murdered are still victims. There won't be another day in their lives anytime soon where they will be able to go to school without fear. This should be completely unacceptable by every adult on earth, parent or not. 

After school, I watched my kids play on the lawn with their friends, smiling and laughing, doing what children their ages should be doing. My friend and I sat in our vans, windows rolled down to face each other, and wept. Our children are such close friends, and I knew she felt the same as I as we watched our kids. How could anyone take the life of a child?

When we stood in line at the post office to mail our Christmas cards, I couldn't make myself stop kissing them and touching their hair and wrapping my arms around their shoulders. I even did something I hadn't done in a very long time: I held my daughter and buried my nose in her neck and kissed her like I used to when she was a baby. She giggled and squealed, "Mooooommmy! Stop, that tickles!" and skipped down the steps and ran back to the van. She had no idea how much I needed to do that.

In the aftermath of this horrific event, there will be crushing sadness and outrage and questions upon questions. We may figure out the how, but I doubt there could ever be a satisfactory answer for the WHY.

Tonight, I'll read my kids some stories and tuck them in bed, despite my son's protests that he's too old to be tucked in. Tonight, I'll tuck him in anyway. Tomorrow, we'll wake up together- safe and happy for another day and I might be fortunate enough to have a mundane day filled with errands and housework.

It should never, ever take something so tragic to remind us of our blessings, but sometimes it does.