Off-Kilter

Things aren't right around my house. The balance is off and the routine has been disrupted. My son, the 12-year old miniature of his dad and me, is away at camp with his classmates this week and I’m having a harder time dealing with it than I thought I would. I feel antsy and out-of-place, eager for the week to end and for his return. Complacency is not usually my thing. I get bored easily with the day-to-day, and chugging along, keeping my head above water while working and hauling the kids to and fro, is not typically something I enjoy, I've just become accustomed to it. Apparently, too accustomed. When that same ol’ routine gets changed, I’m not quite sure what to do. The boy being gone has totally changed the routine.

Ever since they were little,the hubster and I have sought to teach the kids that new experiences are something to look forward to, even when things don’t quite go the way you want. You know, teach them that crap happens so we may as well make the best of it. Lost? Heck no, we’re just on an adventure! We've wandered through mountains, cornfields and forests, swam in lakes, explored science exhibits and caves, and attended numerous concerts and fairs. We've traveled by airplane and train, and put countless miles on our faithful mini-van. Just recently, I even arranged for the kids and me to spend a weekend in a camper. Me! Camping! That alone should say something about my love of adventure.

So, I guess my enthusiastic lobbying for trying new things must have worked, at least as far as traveling goes. The boy was beyond excited about this class trip- eager to get packed and ready to go. He went over the list again and again, marking off every item as we stuffed it in the jumbo sized duffel bag.  So keyed up, he swore he didn't sleep well the night before, though his soft snoring told me otherwise.

So, come Tuesday morning, I kissed him goodbye as his dad drove him to school early. I wasn't there when he got on the bus and drove away. Several friends asked if I cried and at first, I thought, “for heaven’s sake, no, I didn't cry! That’s silly.”  

But not long after, things started to feel “off”. That afternoon, I picked up our daughter after school and didn't have to wait for my continuously late 6^th-grader to get in the van. No running to drum lessons that afternoon, either. That evening was calm - no war over what everyone liked for dinner- he wasn't there to argue with his sister over whether we should have potatoes or mac-n-cheese.  No math anxiety at homework time and only one kiddo who needed a shower before bedtime. I didn't like it. I missed tucking him in bed and listening to him quote from the latest Calvin and Hobbes book he’s reading.

Like most parents, I absolutely love watching my kids explore and learn and have fun. But see, so far, most of our family adventures have been just that: family. All of us, together, plus a couple extra kiddos tossed in for good measure, usually. I’m always the one to plan the trips and invite OTHER PEOPLE’S KIDS along. This is the first place my son has gone for any extended time without me.

 I repeated my mantra: “I can do this- I’m not going to fall apart now. I’m a strong mommy and he’s a great kid. We’ll be fine." But I can’t help wondering if he misses me as much as I miss him. I know he’s having a ton of fun with his classmates, but is he as ready to come home as much as I’m ready to have him back? I hope he is, even though a little part of me hopes he isn't.  It's like, I want him to spread his wings and fly...but maybe not too far. 

I've done a good job of keeping the tears at bay so far, so I’ll keep holding them back a few hours longer. Tomorrow afternoon when that bus pulls up, I’ll be there, waiting with his little sister, anxious to hear all about his trip. I’ll ask what he loved most and what he didn't. We’ll go out to dinner to celebrate and enjoy time at home when we’re finished. I’ll tell him how much I missed him, but won’t let on about how much I really, really missed him- all of him- his smile, his sense of humor, his perpetually untied shoelaces, even his snarkiness with his sibling. 

That’s something this mom will just have to keep to herself so as not to extinguish his love of adventure. That just wouldn't do at all.